The English language has provided us with countless euphemisms, all with the purpose of softening a less than favourable statement. There’s a problem with this, however. In relying on these phrases, we’re normalizing being indirect -- and to a degree dishonest -- in how we communicate. Even worse, we’re vilifying the word “no.”
Consider every time you’ve ever said, “Maybe not,” or “I don’t think so,” or “Can I let you know?” instead of just saying “No.” Of course you’re trying to be more polite or likeable -- you’re a sweet person! But answering questions this way creates confusion; they delay any sort of firm answer and they’re inconclusive. If you’re supposed to “let someone know,” they’re inevitably going to circle back so you can… let them know. And every time you sidestep the word “no,” the more it frames it as an epithet of disrespect or rejection.
There are so many reasons for our fear of this word. It could be because of the word itself: it’s short, abrupt, final. That’s one possible answer. Frankly, it likely has more to do with social implications that come with saying “no.” Think about it, when do we use any of the aforementioned half-answers? Usually when someone is asking something of us, asking a vulnerable question, or trying to include us in something. And you don’t want to seem selfish or make them feel bad for approaching you in the first place. So you hum and ha and default to one of No’s placeholders.
Another reason why we have such a hard time saying no is because -- and sorry to get political -- women are socialized to be accepting, passive, and accommodating. Women are more empowered and independent now than we’ve ever been before. But in making such significant progress in such a relatively short amount of time, of course there are things that linger more persistently than others. For most of history, it’s been perpetuated that men are superior to women, and as a result we’ve historically been bred to be submissive, subservient, and self-sacrificing. Women have been expected to build homes for their husbands and children on his terms and regardless of what she wanted. So often have we seen romanticized images of the hardworking mother who gave up everything for her family. Hundreds of years of this programming has made us averse to making waves, rocking the boat, and opening and cans of worms.
So the challenge now is to unlearn that conditioning. We’re grown used to women being in the office, having our own bank accounts, and wearing whatever we want. We now need to embrace being selfish and saying “No!” And these things go deeper than just being a “bad” person; they’re steps to creating and asserting boundaries for yourself.
Boundaries are the things you’re okay or not okay with in your relationships with others and with yourself. They’re so essential because they let people know how to treat you and let them know your wants and needs in your dynamic. This is why “No” is a good thing! It protects you from being taken advantage of and it prevents resentment in relationships. When boundaries are communicated and maintained effectively, you feel seen, heard and accepted.
Asserting your boundaries is also a form of self care, and you know we loooooooove that. It protects you from burnout because it draws a line with you on one side and things that drain you or make you uncomfortable on the other side. You should never feel guilty about keeping yourself safe, no matter how “selfish” that may seem to others.
Other than “No,” setting boundaries can look and sound different. And they don’t have to be aggressive, but they should be firm. There are emotional boundaries, which involve how people talk to us and treat us (including ourselves). Setting an emotional boundary can look like…
Compromising on your boundaries and allowing people to violate them is a form of self-abandonment; you’re abandoning what you know that you want and need and you’re letting other people do the same. And that won’t do! Ultimately, we actually are encouraging you to be more selfish, because it’s in the name of self care. Appreciation for healthy boundaries shows us how the word “No,” while seemingly limiting, is actually freeing. You’re living authentically and being treated exactly how you like to be. So the next time you’re asked to work late and you’re exhausted? The answer is…
See you next Sunday ;)